He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize