Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
