She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
