I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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