Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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