Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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