Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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