Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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