he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
