Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize