did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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