Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
