she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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