Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
