I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
