He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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