Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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