I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
