Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize