Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
