I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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