tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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