someone threw a dead crab at me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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