you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
