How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
