a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
