Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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