Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
