hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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