question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
