Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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