I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
