If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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