just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
