Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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