Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
