Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
