My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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