I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
