I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Come on in and take your pants off
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