After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
