3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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