Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
