I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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