people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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