Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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