if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
