I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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