I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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