Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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