There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
