She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
