Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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