New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
this is an emotional support booty call
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
