This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
