the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
