She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish you could order shots online.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
