I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so let's talk penis.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
