he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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