this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
