You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
