i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
