the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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