I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
