I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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