I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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